« Meet your Zoom Pal », este un proiect pentru adolescenți al Asociației Iele-Sânziene desfășurat în colaborare cu asociația franceză Chemins d’avenirs ( https://www.cheminsdavenirs.fr). 

În cadrul proiectului, 20 de tinere liceene, 10 din România și 10 din Franța s-au întâlnit timp de câteva luni, la distanță, pe Zoom, pentru a discuta despre importanța solidarității și a prieteniei între femei, dincolo de frontiere. La finalul întâlnirilor, tinerele participante au redactat un portret în limba engleză al noilor prietene, pentru a împărtăși experiențele adolescentine în diferite contexte culturale.

Vă invităm să citiți mai jos portretele scrise de Miruna Spătaru și Ourida Keniou.

Portrait of Ourida

I have just finished my final year in highschool and it has been a hard time for me mentally. I have been stressed and under a lot of pressure and I needed to do something for myself, something that would get me out of my comfort zone, but would not stress me out. This was a chance for me to practice my English and communication skills in a casual way and also an opportunity to interact with someone my age from a different country and culture. And, on top of that, I was curious about the general day-to-day life of a French girl.

I wanted to know more about how a teen girl lives in Western Europe and if there is a difference between France and Romania when it comes to empowering and making girls feel safe. I hope that this portrayal of my Zoom pal will answer all of these curiosities for you :). I also want to thank Iele-Sânziene for connecting me and Ourida.

Ourida Keniou recently turned 16 years old and lives in France, in a little city near Lyon.

She finished her first year of highschool. For next year, she chose subjects in the science field (math, physics-chemistry and biology). She has been studying English in school for 5 years and German for 4 years. After high school, she would like to study dentistry, hopefully in Germany. 

Her parents come from Algeria and she is Muslim. She enjoys talking about politics and the current state of the world, viewing all these from a feminist and moralist perspective. It is one of the things that we have in common and made our discussions interesting. We talked about many unfair things, such as discrimination against religious groups or minorities in general, both in France and Romania, about the struggles that teenage girls face regarding the misogyny that is present in our society and about the need for girls to show solidarity amongst each other- because having a group that will have your back is very empowering and gives teenagers a lot of self confidence. 

New things that she taught me

I found our Zoom meetings very interesting and I even learned some new things. For example, she explained to me important aspects of French society, such as how the French view immigrants or Muslims and the many stereotypes that affect minorities. Moreover, we even talked a bit about  politics in France and how politicians use these stereotypes to gather voters and segregate the society even more. 

Interview with Ourida

In order to get to know Ourida better, I asked her a few questions in one of our meetings. I will write down her answers, in an interview format. I found out a lot about her personality, her friends, her relationship with her family and her day to day life, her music taste and even some deeper thoughts. 

I asked a lot more questions than those shared below, so I had to choose some of them.What I wish is that the ones I chose truthfully portray Ourida, her personality and her hobbies.

1.

Q: What makes you feel accomplished?

A: Getting good grades (seeking academic validation lol).

2.

Q: Did you have a childhood best friend growing up?

A: Yes, I had 3. I argued with one of them (because she was jealous lol), I spoke sometimes with the other one but she took her distance and I’m still very close with the last one (even though our relationship is kind of on and off).

3.

Q: Do you have any spiritual beliefs?

A: I’m Muslim (since birth) and I’ve got to say it’s quite hard in France because of Islamophobia. As you may know, we can’t wear hijab in school and at work (except if it’s private), you have to wear a bikini to go to the pool… I just think it’s kind of contradictory knowing that France provides feminism and its motto is “liberty, equality, fraternity”.

4.

Q: How would you describe yourself in three words?

A: Anxious, persevering and helpful (by that I mean that I like helping people).

5.

Q: What was the best trip you’ve ever been on?

A: It was 3 years ago, I went to Algeria with my mom and siblings to see my family. It was amazing and so fun because I only see them once a year (not anymore because of covid :(). And then my uncle proposed to us to go to Tunisia in like 2 days. It was unexpected but we said yes. We were 14 in two cars of 5 seats each since they don’t have many rules on the road. But it was so uncomfortable (obviously). We stayed 5 days, we went to the beach, to the fun fair, to the restaurant… It was so cool. I loved it, and wished we could do it again.

6. 

Q: If you could have dinner with one person (living or dead), who would it be?

A: Taylor Swift!!! 

7. 

Q: What do most people overestimate or underestimate about you?

A: Fun story, I had to sit next to a boy in my chemistry class, I never talked to before (it was March, we were in the same class since September…), and the teacher gave our test results and I got a pretty good grade. That boy then asked me about my general grade and he was shocked. He then told me that he thought I was that girl who came to school just because she had to and asked teachers questions just to piss them off. I did not react, because how are you supposed to react to that?? Flattered or offended? I think he thought this because I usually go to school in joggers (comfort above all) and I don’t “act like the smart ones” (he was one of them). It’s really sad to see that many people still have prejudices towards others.

8. 

Q: What are you most determined to accomplish?

A: Having the career that I want, to make my parents’ sacrifices worth it.My mom came from Algeria not knowing anything about France whether it’s the language or how it works and my father could’ve had a comfortable life there but came to France to give us bigger opportunities study-wise and also better access to the world. And also, I want to be proud of myself.

9. 

Q: Have you ever read a book that changed your life?

A: So many!! But one of them is Normal People by Sally Rooney. I have unconditional love for this one. You can relate to the characters so much. I randomly started crying while reading this book. The way it’s written, the topics it tackles and the way it explores relationships. Ughh I just loved it. There’s also The Things I Would Tell You by Sabrina Mahfouz and many other writers. It’s a collection of British Muslim Women’s works. Some of them were just okay but others were incredibly well written, very truthful, and poignant.

10. 

Q: Have you ever become intensely invested in the fate of a TV show character?

A: Oh my god so many! The Good Doctor, Gossip Girl, and I used to be obsessed with The Flash because it was a way to escape reality.

11.

Q: Would you consider yourself healed from the past?

A: Definitely not, I still have social anxiety and some traumas following me.

12. 

Q: What are some of your biggest fears?

A: Failure, not succeeding, and bugs.

13. 

Q: What is your relationship with your family like?

A: Amazing, with my mother and my siblings (obviously we fight sometimes), but it’s more complicated with my father because we’re both stubborn and impulsive. He is also very undecided and by that I mean he could be feminist in week A, and misogynist in week B; against me in week A, and defending me in week B but I got used to it in time.

14. 

Q: What are you most proud of and why?

A: How quickly I learned English all by myself unlike what teachers told me. They said I couldn’t learn English without spending a long time in an English-speaking country, without having an English-speaking member in my family, or without a teacher. Well, guess I proved them wrong. I’m trying to do the same with German right now even though it’s harder.

15. 

Q: Are you an on-time person or a late person?

A: I’m always late for unlikely reasons. One time, I went to do a COVID test and I had 40 minutes until school. I did the test and I had 30 minutes left, my school was 15 minutes away so I had time. But I ran into my old nursery teacher so we talked for half an hour and I couldn’t stop the conversation because I felt like it would be rude. So I arrived with 20 minutes left with no reasonable and believable excuse. Another time, my big neighbor’s dog was standing in front of my door so I couldn’t get out because he’s crazy, I don’t even think you’re allowed to have that kind of dog in a building. Anyways, he left after 20 minutes so I was officially late. I was so ashamed when my teacher asked me why I was late!

16. 

Q: Do you believe in karma?

A: Yes, because it happened to people I know whether it’s big deals or random, not long term stuff.

17. 

Q: What makes you cry and why?

A: Literally everything, anger, anxiety, great movies, great books, someone yelling at me or arguing with me. Of course, I don’t cry in front of anyone, I don’t want them to think I’m weak (again, society’s judgments).

The struggles that Ourida and me face, as teenage girls

Unfortunately, our discussion eventually reached the subject of struggles that girls face, due to misogyny. I am saying that it is unfortunate, because I think that it is a big shame that such young people encounter such hard and traumatizing events in their life. I enjoyed the discussion, though, because it was a place of mutual understanding and empathy. 

We shared our experiences regarding fat shaming or body shaming and general misogyny, which almost every woman has experienced at least once. It reminded me once more of the importance of having someone to talk to and to be understood. Oftentimes, girls are being made to think that it is their fault for how they dress or act, that “they asked for it”, which is entirely untrue. Discrimination should not belong in a modern, normal society.

We have shared with each other our experiences with body-shaming. Our stories had in common the fact that we received inappropriate comments about our bodies from people we thought were kind, or at least not the kind of people that would hurt a young child with their words.

Ourida has been going to judo classes for some years now. She was taking part in a contest, and she told me about three adult men, whom she had known for a long time, since they were also practicing judo. They made rude comments about her weight, body-shamed her and told her to stop eating so much. This happened to her around the age of 12-13 years old. She remembers how horrible and ashamed she felt, but also that she did not tell her mom about this, and she used to tell her mom everything. This is how hurtful bullying and making comments about someone’s body is, especially for a young girl, whose whole world and existence is already very confusing. 

My story was about being bullied for my appearance by my colleagues. I used to dance, and I did it for 10 years, at an advanced level. Unfortunately, I had to quit because I could not handle the bullying and crippling anxiety that I had.

These common experiences highlight the need for education. It is important that children who practice sports are also taught to communicate and set boundaries, so that abuses and traumas are reduced. 

Even though I did not know a lot about how misogyny manifested in French culture, I came to realize that there are similarities to how it is in Romania. Ourida told me another story, from her judo classes. She had a teacher, an adult male, who she said she had known for a long time and sort of seen as an authority figure. In the class, there were 15 boys and only 2 girls, so the sensei made many comments such as “You are hitting like a girl”. He would mock the kids, telling the boys that did not do as well as he wanted to “go play with dolls”. She told me that this man was approximately 30 years old, so he was not very old, even though old age is not an excuse for misogyny. Ourida felt hurt and stopped speaking to her teacher, until he eventually apologized. It is important to hold these people accountable and to try to stop normalizing misogyny. Many expressions that portray women as weak people are popular in French culture. Unfortunately, it is the same in Romania, boys often calling other boys “females” or “little girls”, as an insult that suggests weakness.

Her parents are Algerian and she lives in France. She recalls a struggle to fit in, both in France and in Algeria, being too “westernized” for Algeria (meaning that she has more progressive views regarding politics), and being bullied in France for the fact that she is Algerian. 

All of these stories were shared in one long session. While it was therapeutic to relate to someone so well, I felt sorry for Ourida and also anger for the unfairness of the world. I strongly believe that no kid should be shamed for their body, religion or gender. I told her my stories regarding this subject, and she reacted calmly, expressed that she was sorry and the whole discussion was warm, cozy and nice. It takes a lot of courage to share something so intimate to a person from the other side of the continent, whom you have only seen through a computer screen, and I appreciated that.

She has also told me that she sees her mom as a role model. She says their relationship is a very good one, that they are close and that she tells her everything. It is very important for teenage girls to have role models, to have someone to talk to and to be guided through life by someone who means well and wants them to succeed.

Conclusion

Meeting Ourida was a great experience. We managed to bond and we have discussed a lot of important subjects that are relevant today and greatly impact our lives. We were lucky to have similar hobbies, beliefs and points of view.

I liked Ourida and I hope that we will remain friends. She is calm, informed and very determined to succeed in her career and life. I admire people who know what they want and are ambitious to achieve it. Her feminist opinions are realistic and on-point, criticizing unfair aspects of life. 

I appreciate this project, which allowed us, both Romanian and French girls, to see beyond the general stereotypes and jokes. There is always more than meets the eye, and I left every single Zoom meeting with new information. 

Portrait of Miruna

I have always been an anxious and stressed person, and the pandemic just made it worse. I enjoyed being alone during the lockdown because of my social anxiety. So when everything started to go back to normal, it was really hard for me. However, I took advantage of the lockdown to learn English and get to know myself better. I still struggle a lot with my mental health, but I try to get out of my comfort zone and that’s one of the reasons why I joined this project. This was an occasion for me to practice my English and communication skills. And also an opportunity to learn more about the life of girls my age in other countries and with different cultures. I didn’t know that much about Romanian people, the only Romanians I know are my doctors who came to France because they didn’t like the situation there. I also wanted to know how much teen girls struggled with safety, society, and growing into women in Eastern Europe. I hope that this portrait of my Zoom PAL will help you learn new things, expand your culture, and answer your questions! I also wanted to thank Iele-Sânziene for connecting me with Miruna and doing this amazing project.

A quick presentation of Miruna

Miruna Spătaru is a young woman who recently turned 19. She lives in Romania in a seaside city called Constanța. She also has a middle name, Joanne, which I think is very beautiful. She just finished high school, with a specialization in English and Romanian Literature. Miruna also studied French for 8 years and Spanish for 2 years. She wants to go to college to study Psychology and maybe get a master’s degree somewhere in Europe.

One of the things we had in common was bringing a feminist point of view in our discussions about politics, the unfairness of the world like discrimination in France and Romania, and how we face misogyny in our everyday life as quiet but fearless teenage girls. We agreed that girls should stop belittling each other and show support and solidarity  instead. Unfortunately, that’s not what they do most of the time because society likes to pit them against each other and it teaches us to be competitive in a toxic way.

To get to know Miruna better, I asked her a few questions that I’ll present in an interview-style with some remarks after her answers. From her religious beliefs to her pets and even some deep thoughts, I learned a lot about Miru with these questions.

What makes you feel accomplished?

Miruna: It depends on the challenge or task, whether it is making my family happy, or achieving something I worked very hard for. Generally, I feel accomplished knowing I did the right thing and my best, no matter if I win or not. I feel more satisfied in a situation where I worked very much but got no prize than to know I did not work too much and won. It means the challenge was too easy, so I can take no pride in doing something low-effort.

Do you have any spiritual beliefs?

M: I was raised believing in Jesus, as a Christian Orthodox. I have been a pretty religious kid. Unfortunately, when I was around 12 or 13, I started to get huge anxiety when I thought I did something sinful and I even made some very strict rules for myself, to ”punish” myself when I liked a boy or stuff like that. My parents did not raise me that way, they are normal and open-minded people, but I used the excuse of sin to avoid getting out of my comfort zone. Nowadays, I try to navigate through this whole thing and separate the real God from 

the conservatory propaganda that uses religion as a tool for misogyny etc… because I can not associate these things with an all-loving God.

Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

M: I am an introvert. I did not know that about myself until I was 15 or 16. When I found out, it explained a lot of things about myself. I enjoy social encounters to a certain degree, but I feel drained and have no energy after 3 or 4 hours. I was more introverted before than I am now, but I enjoy finding out things about myself and making choices that are beneficial to me and my mental comfort.

Are you a better talker or listener?

M: I usually end up being the listener, but only because I am more introverted and, for some reason, the other person feels safe with me and starts telling me their secrets or problems. This thing has been happening to me since I was a child, and I am still a bit confused about it. I do not know why people tend to tell me such intimate stuff, I certainly do not do that. In the last couple of years, I tried to talk more and to be a talker, so now I am both a good talker and a good listener.

Did you have a childhood best friend growing up?

M: I was kind of a sucker when it came to friends. I was usually the third wheel of two other best friends. I had 2 or three really good friends, but it lasted for about a year or two. I was also very introverted and shy, so that must be a reason for not being very friendly.

Did you have pets growing up?

M: Yes, I had many pets. The first one I remember is a cat, called Misura. For some reason, I liked to think that she was my twin and a witch transformed her into a cat. I think Misura got killed by a car after 2 or 3 years. It was white with some black spots and green eyes.

I had many dogs as well. I had a Dalmatian (who was very very dumb), I had two German Shepherds (a very common dog breed in Romania), and a German Shorthaired Pointer (the most beautiful dog I have ever seen). Currently, I only have a cat, named Flip-flop, who is quite old.

If you were an animal, what animal would you be?

M: Ever since I was a kid, I have always loved giraffes. I had many toys and even my carpet was giraffe-themed. I love giraffes now too, and I am tall and have freckles, so I would be a good fit for a giraffe 🙂  .

Did you have a favorite toy growing up?

M: Yes, I had a doll, named Adriana. A friend of my mom gave it to me when I was born, in the hospital. I would carry her with me everywhere in my childhood and I would sleep with her on my pillow. I have it today in my bedroom, and in moments of high stress, I like to put Adriana on my bed when I sleep, to take me back to my stress-free childhood days.

What traits would you like to gain from your parents?

M: I hope to gain my mother’s ability to stay positive and not let stress and problems get to her, and my father’s ability to read people and understand how others think and what their behavior says about their personality.

Have you ever lost someone close to you?

M: Yes, I lost my grandma in 2016. She died of cirrhosis. She raised me, taught me how to read and write, and did all my homework with me in my first years of school. I loved her very much and it was very hard for me to deal with her loss. Therapy helped, and now I found a box full of photos with her when she was my age and love letters she wrote to my grandfather. It’s a nice way to reconnect with her, to see what her life was like. I think she lived a nice life that she deserved because she was a good person.

What embarrassing moment has stuck with you over the years?

M: This happened four years ago. It was in a kinesiotherapy center for my scoliosis. I was talking to a guy that I kind of liked, about embarrassing things that we used to do as kids. I told him that I used to stutter around guys I liked. I STUTTERED WHILE I TOLD HIM THAT. I was so embarrassed, I remember vividly how I wished I could disappear. I do not stutter anymore, so it won’t ever happen to me again (hopefully).

What is the last dream you remember?

M: So, I got my driver’s license last week, and it has been a very stressful process for me. I think this anxiety of mine or stress has been reflected in my dreams, because I had many dreams in the recent weeks in which I was driving, and suddenly, there were no brakes to stop the car, or I was driving at a very high speed and I had no control. Luckily, I got rid of those dreams after I got my driver’s license.

When was the last time you felt excited and what was that for?

M: It was yesterday when I finished my last final exam. I studied the whole year for these exams and I felt excited and relieved to be done with them.

What is your favorite way to spend the day?

M: If I were to organize my day in order for it to be perfect, it would go like this: 

I wake up at around 9:30 AM, eat my breakfast, and then read in the hammock for 2 hours. After that, I would meet with my boyfriend and we would watch a movie. In the afternoon, I’d go to the beach with my friends and then we would eat at a restaurant near the beach. When I would arrive home, I would hang out with my parents and brothers and talk about our day.

What was the best trip you have ever been on?

M: Three years ago, my parents booked a trip to Barcelona, around my birthday. I loved every single thing from those 10 days I spent there. The sea (I have to say that the Black Sea is much warmer and the sand is more comfortable), the views, the castles we visited, the city of Barcelona and how beautiful the architecture is. I was impressed and I look back nostalgically at that trip.

What would you do if you won the lottery?

M: If I won a big amount of money, I would help my family, if they were in need, and then donate the rest to a charity, it doesn’t matter where, a lot of people need help and could benefit from that money.

Do you play board games?

M: Yes, I enjoy board games of all kinds. I have some friends who have a ton of them and we gather around and play a new one every week. I also like going to some cafes in my city that have board games to play while you drink your tea or eat. I happen to be a bit too competitive, so it’s an occasion for me to work on that and stop being too competitive.

Would you consider yourself healed from the past?

M: Yes and no. I have definitely worked through some past traumas and problems that I had, but I still have some things or triggers that come from past experiences that need to be solved. I am definitely on the right path to healing though.

These are the questions that I felt represented Miruna the most, I hope they make a truthful portrait of her.

The struggles we both face as teenage girls

During our meetings, we got to talk about our struggles as girls in today’s society, such as misogyny, body shaming, and how, most of the time, a woman’s work is worth less than a man’s one. Unfortunately, we both faced these at a very young age which I think can create traumas. However, I was glad to see that I wasn’t the only one suffering because of these toxic social norms. Girls and women can support each other, give each other advice and create big things together. We shared our experiences regarding body shaming and misogyny, which I’m sure every woman has experienced at least once. Girls are  often being made to think every bad thing that happens to them is their fault, such as being assaulted because of how they’re dressed or how they act. We both received inappropriate comments about our bodies from people we were supposed to trust.

Miruna used to dance in a group since she was 5 years old. But she gave up because of body shaming coming from other girls telling her she was too skinny, which created anxiety. It’s very unfortunate that these comments came from people who were supposed to support each other. And that’s living in a society where we are taught to be competitive, especially women. I also got a similar story. I had to weigh myself for a judo contest, and three of my old judo teachers were with me. One of them told me that I should stop eating “that much” and I was only 12 years old. These common experiences highlight the fact that educators should be careful with their words and pay attention to what children tell each other because these comments may have a lifetime impact. Miru’s experience didn’t surprise me because I was aware this kind of stuff happened all over the world. 

I also learned that “catcalling” is very popular in Romania and boys call each other “little girls” as an insult that means weak. Which are very common in France too. Miruna once experienced a delicate situation. It was during the summer when she was 13. It was a very hot day, thus she was wearing shorts. She took the bus with music in her ears so as not to be disturbed, but the volume was low in case anything happened. An old man started talking to her and asked her her name and personal questions. Obviously, she lied about these pieces of information. When the bus arrived at her stop and she started to leave, he grabbed her leg and told her not to go with a weird smirk. She froze for a few seconds because she was a bit scared and didn’t know what to do. Thankfully, she gathered her courage and ran. I think it’s such a scary situation for a 13-year-old girl to be sexualized like that. I just felt really bad for her while she told me this story because it’s not normal. We shouldn’t be scared of going out because our outfit is sexualized by some disgusting people.

Conclusion

I felt honored that Miruna willingly shared all these personal stories with me. It was an incredible experience. It also made me feel understood and got me out of my comfort zone. I had a great time having discussions about many subjects with this amazing young woman. I wish I could write more because we had many interesting conversations. It really felt like a safe space. Miruna is a very inspiring person with strong beliefs and big career plans. 

I also want to thank Iele-Sânziene again for giving us this rewarding opportunity.